We find ourselves in a troubling landscape reminiscent of Lord of the Flies meets Girls Gone Wild, where violent imagery runs rampant in pornography of today, and this situation must be confronted directly. I hope this piece sparks your curiosity and concern, serving as a starting point for deeper conversations and advocacy for better social media legislation to help protect the foundational relationship-building skills of future generations.
I’ve wrestled with how candid and explicit to be about my concerns regarding the effects of pornography on the sexual development of our boys as they transition into young men, as well as for our young woman. This topic inevitably skews toward a gender perspective, and I acknowledge that. Based on my research, clinical experience, and family conversations, I’ve observed that the overuse—sometimes even addiction—to pornography and video games is predominantly a male issue. In contrast, girls tend to be more affected by the excessive consumption of social media, which has its own detrimental effects on self-esteem and mental health.
As a Registered Psychologist, who specializes with kids and teens, I have had hundreds of conversations, both in session time with clients, as well as conversations around my kitchen table with my own girls, 24, 21 and 19 years old, about the new dating world. Many report that texting, dating and hook ups are often, sexually aggressive, demeaning to women and violent. I literally almost puked in my mouth when I heard this… For example, being punched in the face while kissing a guy on a first date, being choked while having sex without any discussion about desire for this suffocating, scary encounter.
Probably the most troubling reports are from too many university-aged girls who share a far too familiar experience, “You’re hooking up with someone and while you’re having sex, they kind of look through you and go somewhere else… and you know they are thinking about porn”. This is anecdotal in nature, but these girls shared their resounding belief that the increase in violent and pretty hard core requests from guys in a dating relationship, is directly due to too much exposure to violent pornography. This issue is literally changing how people attachment or don’t attach to each other, in an intimate relationship, which worries me for the relationship quality of future generations.
Porn also is hurting our boys. I’ve heard the shame-filled cries for help from teen boys and young men, struggling to manage their relationships with pornography. A not-so-fun-fact: to access Porn Hub, one only has to opt in to say he/she is 18yo. Shocking! Our policies need to do a better job of protecting our most vulnerable citizens. It’s crucial for parents, teachers, and mentors of youth, to engage in these difficult conversations, speaking openly about the dangers of easy online access to porn and the alarming interactions on social media that enable predators to exploit vulnerable youth. Often, these violations occur without caregivers’ awareness, only to be discovered after irreversible lines have been crossed.
Here are some striking facts:
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- In 2015, 24% of kids aged 8-12 owned a smartphone; by 2019, that figure rose to 41%.
- Among teens aged 13-18, ownership of smartphones grew from 67% in 2015 to 84% in 2019.
- In 2019, American teens aged 13-18 spent an average of seven hours and 22 minutes daily on entertainment screen media.
- The scary reality is that by age 12, 70% of children have been exposed to pornography.
- Depictions of violent sex are becoming increasingly popular (Herbenick, 2024).
During the COVID-19 pandemic, many parents, myself included, loosened their restrictions on screen time and device access to help kids socialize during a stressful period. With more access to screen time, some content viewing became problematic. Gone are the days of stumbling across magazines or VHS tapes; today’s pornography is more stimulating and potentially addictive for about 10% of users, fundamentally altering brain chemistry.
The predominant harm from exposure to pornography lies in the desensitization and normalization of the behaviors and attitudes depicted, such as choking or violence, often framed as pleasurable for women. No one argues that pornography is beneficial for youth. However, we must recognize that some exposure is inevitable, and we need to understand this reality.
Having the Conversation with Teens:
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- Educate ourselves about the facts.
- Learn the relevant language.
- Validate their emotions, struggles, and desires.
- Discuss principles of healthy sexuality, including consent and the differences between pornographic and real-life intimacy.
- Understand technology and social media from their perspective.
- Set realistic and relevant expectations surrounding social media and pornography.
Let’s start these critical conversations now to empower our youth and guide them toward healthier relationships in the future.